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HELLO, My Name is Cloud_009…

…scrolls across the small 16:9 LCD protruding from my chest cavity

…scrolls across the small 16:9 LCD protruding from my chest cavity.

In case you missed it, I’m from the future, where we all have become our own personal cloud.  Some clouds you can actually see, like auras, but look somewhat like the classic Peanuts character Pigpen.  We’ve all become walking antennas, routers, hotspots and hubs for all the other personal clouds.  If auto-discovery is enabled, once you are in range of a ‘friend’ that you ‘like,’ a few beeps go off and they appear as an icon right in our own retina.  You remember those smart phones that allowed users to tap the phones to send a picture or file?  Now, all we have to do is crank up some digital audio and do a move called ‘The Bump.’  It’s based on some ancient 1970′s fad dance where participants would lightly ‘bump’ hips to the beat of the music.  Today we use it to exchange data.  A bump or two and you’ve shared your music library.  A hip-check, your movie collection.  Passing gas is kinda like your old computer’s recycle bin that you need to empty every so often.

All this works in conjunction with the IPv6 chip inserted into the freshly cut umbilical cord of every newborn, so it heals right into the system.  As you grow, the bellybutton also becomes a power source – you can interchange belly-ring connections and power almost any device with the solar plexus.  But we really do not carry ‘mobile’ devices anymore since their functionality is now mostly built in to our carcasses.  Our ear and earlobe have evolved to have the capability of answering calls or listening to audio just by pushing in the outer ear plug or as you used to call it, the tragus.  The earlobe itself is a highly sensitive bio-metric scanner that’ll check your thumbprint and if authenticated, will unlock your car, home or any other item that you program.

We each have a cloud identifier to distinguish our identity.  I’m Cloud_009.  I used to be Cloud_337528 but since I’m usually happy, have a strong security posture and graduated from ISO University, I was recently upgraded.  You’re probably wondering if I know Cloud_007.  We’ve met a couple times but I try to stay away from the espionage cloud since you really don’t know what you may catch in there.  Lots of infecting, crashing and drive-by Bumps.

I’m also able to segment parts of my cloud for work and play.  Some clouds do top half/bottom half but I like to go right down the middle.  When enabled, my right side handles my work/corporate data and the left does my personal stuff.  Because I’m flexible, the percentages can adjust on the spot when the demand goes up.  From 9-5, I might use up to 80% of my cloud-body for work related computations with the other 20% reserved for bathroom breaks, eating, breathing, recharging and any other personal activities.  The data stays separate, secure and encrypted.

Well, I got a hologram coming in that I need to watch but it was nice talking with you.  We don’t do much of that anymore since most messages are sent telepathically these days.

ps

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More Stories By Peter Silva

Peter is an F5 evangelist for security, IoT, mobile and core. His background in theatre brings the slightly theatrical and fairly technical together to cover training, writing, speaking, along with overall product evangelism for F5. He's also produced over 350 videos and recorded over 50 audio whitepapers. After working in Professional Theatre for 10 years, Peter decided to change careers. Starting out with a small VAR selling Netopia routers and the Instant Internet box, he soon became one of the first six Internet Specialists for AT&T managing customers on the original ATT WorldNet network.

Now having his Telco background he moved to Verio to focus on access, IP security along with web hosting. After losing a deal to Exodus Communications (now Savvis) for technical reasons, the customer still wanted Peter as their local SE contact so Exodus made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. As only the third person hired in the Midwest, he helped Exodus grow from an executive suite to two enormous datacenters in the Chicago land area working with such customers as Ticketmaster, Rolling Stone, uBid, Orbitz, Best Buy and others.

Writer, speaker and Video Host, he's also been in such plays as The Glass Menagerie, All’s Well That Ends Well, Cinderella and others.

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